As Our World Should Be

Down falls the world
Around your ears
I like this!
A house for you
And all your peers
I no like this! Ugh. Forced, way too forced... And what is the house? The world? Because comparing the world after it falls to a house is like saying a car crash is better than two cars on a safe road, if you know what I mean. Plus, the peers thing isn't working.

Down comes the
Town all for you
Into the depths
Of far away Cleps
You already established a hyme pattern abab cdcd efef, why not continue? And why do you repeat "Down (verb) the (noun)"? Uh-uh. No good.

In and around town
Way too forced!

For this is the time
Humans must bring together
All those around for our homes
To be up off the ground

For those who read
A title to commit the deed
I give you something of the sort
I name you the mesanort


Eek! No rhyme? No image? No...nothing? Just random words, what it feels like to me.
Delete it!

You shall be the one
To look for the pun
That's like saying to your reader "Instead of reading this, go look at the Sunday comics."

WHERE IS THE STORY? WHERE IS THE MEANING? I tried to look through it, but I couldn't. Sorry! Maybe, um, rewrite this as a narrative poem, with some sort of image or storyline next to it. Don't simply state "Humans must bring together!" The theme should be small, slight, not just plainly in bold!

My strongest advice for future poems: Use stronger verbs and nouns.

PM me if you have any questions!

I agree with Claudy when I say that I dont actually understand what you are trying to say in this poem.

But I liked the flow, rhythm and rhyme which all worked well together, along with the structure and think that you're on to something, although I really think you should work on getting your point across.

Grammar and punctuation weren't majorly bad, but there were some mistakes that should be righted.

err...I dont have a lue as to what it's about. I think it has something to do with the World coming to an end all the people working as one, but that is just speculation.

IN a time liked this, Clau is your best friend. It was muddled, hard to read and inconsistent. You cant start with a rhyme and then just not use it. You need to pick a form and stick to it. Otherwise the poem becomes lost in the jumble.

Ditto to what Claudette said. Pay attention to her. Mostly, she knows what she's doing. As for the poem, I'd like to add that the rhyme seemed forced, as if you changed your original poem idea to fit the rhyme. Rhyming rarely works when the lines are as short as they are in your poem. If and when you rewrite this, try using longer lines, maybe putting two lines together and two stanzas together. Just as an experiment. And also, be sure the idea comes across to the reader. It was kind if confusing.

Er. I struggled to fully grasp your meaning in this poem. It seemed all over the place to me. Perhaps it was because the poem desperately needs punctuation--that on it's own makes it really hard to read. This might help you: Poetry & Punctuation.

What I can get out of the poem, though, is that you have a meaning. Again, I'm not 100% sure of what that meaning is but that is okay. I can already tell that you need to do a few different things with it. For one, no one really likes being told what to do--and you're kind of giving your reader and saying, "This is how it should be, and I am right." Why not give us an example, what do you mean...? Use a metaphor, explain your purpose deeper than you have done.

Honestly, though, I can't help out too much because I am confused with what you are writing about. *shrugs* Sometimes I'm just not helpful.